I still remain the same. You call this what you want. You can call me anything you want. Call me when you need me.
Deep and pure our hearts align
Then I’m free, I’m free of mind
When I let loose the need to know
Then we’re both free, We’re free to go
When I lose a certain claim
The tries to know and needs to blame
Whatever river runs aground
It turns my head and washes down
The face of god who stands above
Pouring over hope and love
That all of might and life and limb
Could turn again and love again
When I refuse the need to know
Then we’re both free, free to go.
And you cannot understand what’s wrong with you. Because you need it. You feel that urge suffocating you every time you try to escape it. Your life starts being on an endless loop and you cannot take it out of your head. You just can’t. It gets you. It twists you. And yet you breath it. You feel it in your veins. Pulsating deep inside you. When you wake up it is the first thing you think about. And you live your day wishing it would end sooner. So you can do it all over again. You are trapped. And what once defined you is lost. No turning back. You’ve reached the point of no return.
And so you remain. With the notion of what your actions are doing to others and to yourself. But you remain. Faithful to that call. The one you know from the beginning it is going to ruin you. But you deny it when your are confronted. Because you decided long ago what are your weaknesses. And once you’ve exposed yourself to the kick there is not the option to stop and end it. You just do it. With every single muscle trembling. Your breathing rhythm hyperventilating. Salty sweat down your face. And you leak it. It tastes putrid. And then you finally realize your own flavor. Filled with shame.